He said he'd meet us at the quad!
...with Anise, like, seven minutes ago.
I'm sorry if that makes me, like, moralistic or whatever,
but I have my principles.
Uh, where were your principles
when you were rolling around under a porch with Tom,
like, "Oh, where's my headband?"
Tom is poly, and we all know that. Don't sleep on that fact.
Look, I ain't sleeping on shit,
except maybe Tom, because he's also bi.
And I'd like to remind the three of you not to sleep on this friendship,
because I know it feels like it's just gonna be, like,
love and lust pushing you forward,
but lust fades, and friendship never does, if you nurture it.
Do you need something?
Mmm-mmm. Nope, just loving the vibe of the campus, very evolved.
Loving the smoothie bar.
Have a beautiful day.
- Somebody's mom? - Did you see her...
- Oh, she's probably continuing ed. - That is so sad.
So, yeah, I'm just kind of amazed to be at this interview.
I mean, to me, professors have always been people with, you know, like,
MFAs and country houses and possibly a neck goiter.
When I came here two years ago from Syracuse...
- Mmm-hmm. - ...armpit, don't tell anyone,
I had one goal in mind when I took over this department,
and that was to just pump it full of fresh blood, you know?
Just like a human heart beating, beating, beating.
Or a nice young cock.
Whoa. Yeah.
Because, hey, what do you want your students to leave with?
Hope and wonder and "Yes"!
And do you know what has more possibility than absolutely anything else?
A nice young cock? Is that it?
The Internet.
Yes.
And you, my dear, you write for the Internet.
And, boy, do you write.
And when I read your stuff, it's honest, it's frank,
it's, "Here I am. Fucking take it or leave it."
- Yeah. - You are a fucking hotshot.
Thank you.
Okay, so let's talk logistics.
Um, hundred students...
- Groups of 25. - Mmm-hmm.
Doing seminars, then a little one-on-one time. "Cozy time," I like to call it.
Can you do it?
Can you show these students the real guts and meat of the Internet?
What it's really for?
Yes, I can.
I am 100% the right person to show them the Internet.
And also, just to bring up, whatever, the elephant in the room,
I know it's illegal for you to ask.
I know my body's kind of confusing, but, yes, I am pregnant.
And I plan to work right through having the baby.
That is not an issue for me. I got through a high school production of Guys and Dolls
with full-scale spinal meningitis. I can do anything.
You know what gave it away as soon as you came in the door?
- What? - Breasts.
Gorgeous fruit.
Beautiful.
Pregnant women and young mothers are the most vital force on this earth,
and when I was pregnant, oh, my God,
the men that hit on me...
Do you know who Norman Mailer is?
Yeah, Norman Mailer.
He had a friend named Jeff who was fucking crazy for me.
Powerful.
Hello?
Hi, Hannah?
Hannah, Phaedra.
Oh, hi! Oh, my God, I'm so glad I answered. When do I ever do that?
Because, like, who the hell wants to talk on the phone?
Well, I do. For hours a night, actually.
Great, yeah. I mean, I love it.
It's just hard to find other, you know, millennials to engage. Hi.
I just wanted to let you know that I have spoken with my colleagues,
and, despite their old, shriveled balls,
we would like to offer you the position.
Oh! Oh, my God. Wow. I mean, I must have been very impressive.
That was so fast.
We connected hard-core.
Listen, this is so weird,
but my mom always says that you should sleep on it
before accepting any new job,
and I've literally never taken her advice,
but I've also never been successful at a job.
So, I want to take 24 hours to think about it, if that's okay.
Follow your bliss, my lady. Just get back to me by Monday.
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
Fuck!
I just don't understand why you would want to leave New York, okay?
That's like something your family makes you do
when you're too deep into crack to stop them.
That's not something that a young, vibrant,
albeit pregnant, person does.
I don't know, Elijah, I just think it's time to admit that, like,
New York hasn't brought me anything but misery.
That's insane!
This is the greatest city in the world.
What are you gonna do? You're gonna leave,
gonna go up to the goddamn woods, or wherever the fuck you're going,
teach?
Write?
Live in a house?
I mean, literally all three of those things.
I don't know, Elijah, you know?
This place is just... It's too hard to make a living here.
My baby needs some kind of peace. I don't even have health insurance.
This job has benefits and stuff.
Do you remember when we first moved here?
Yeah, like it was yesterday.
You proposed on St. Mark's Place, but then you admitted you had chlamydia,
and you were crying, and you wouldn't say where it came from.
You said it was a McDonald's bathroom.
The details are not important.
What's important is
we agreed to live here, and suffer, and be miserable
in this godforsaken rat hole together.
That's a contract you and me made.
You can't give up on that.
I don't know.
And if you think I'm gonna move up there and marry you and be your Tad,
you are sorely mistaken, ma'am.
Probably.
Hey, you want to come sleep with me?
No.
Wait, for sex?
No, what?
I mean, what if it was for sex?
No?
I just want to be clear about the invitation.
Will you sing to me?
I'll give you one Demi, but then it's lights out.
I had to unfollow her on Instagram. It's too much negativity.
Tell me what you want, what you like
It's okay
I'm a little curious, too
Tell me if it's wrong, if it's right
I don't care
I can keep a secret, can you?
Got my mind on your body
and your body on my mind
Want a taste of the cherry
I just need to take a bite
Don't tell your mother
Live for each other
We're cool for the summer
Ooh
I think it's wonderful. I think it's just what you need.
We'll come visit you on the weekends,
and you can stay with us whenever you have work to do.
Go, baby, go.
On the other hand, if I had left New York when I wanted to,
I never would have met your dad on Gay.com.
And I bless that sexual GPS service every day.
Listen, Banana, it's only a bus ride away.
We can bring cheese, wine, books, diapers, culture.
Let's do this!
You guys will take the bus?
No. No, it was just an expression of distance.
I was trying to give you a sense of how close you would be.
Well, this drum circle's as good a reason to leave New York as any.
Can't you drum somewhere else?
Ugh. Get a life.
You've reached Marnie Michaels.
Have a blessed day.
Marn, where are you, okay? I'm trying to figure something out, and I really need you.
Does that one send strength?
That one smells really good.
I like the slip top.
Okay, so we need one for wealth, one for romance,
and also one to promote, like, an ease of creativity.
Mmm. Yeah. Like a candle's gonna help us find an apartment
that doesn't smell like hot wings.
I literally don't care if it smells like hot wings
as long as you're there.
See? That's why you're my best friend.
I kind of like this one.
I don't want that in our apartment.
Oh, okay.
- Yeah? - I like purple. It's nice.
It'll go with the wallpaper.
The number you are trying to call is not reachable.
Ugh. I can't believe this is my fourth callback for this fucking show.
At some point, I'm just gonna have to ask them,
"Hey, are we fuck buddies or are we exclusive?"
Well, maybe they're waiting for your hoop shooting to improve.
How's your goodbye tour?
Confusing.
I mean, can't someone just tell me exactly what to do,
but in a way that makes it seem like it's my idea?
Yes. You should have sex before you leave
'cause I don't know what kind of dicks are gonna be up in the boondocks.
Great idea. I will call up one of the guys who would love to have sex with this.
I'm sure there's plenty of quality people
who would love to have sex with what you got going on,
and not murder you.
I don't know. Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am leaving too early, and I haven't, like,
made a proper mark on this city.
Hannah, you've made so many wonderful friendships here.
That's not a thing.
I got to go.
Look. I stole these.
Oh, my God! I'm so proud of you.
This is the type of fun that we have.
I steal yogurts, and then we laugh about it.
What the fuck are you doing?
- Good luck. - Thank you.
Kick.
This is Greenpoint Avenue. Next stop, 21st Street.
Stand clear of the closing doors.
Do you need help walking up the steps or anything, ma'am?
The "ma'am" is a little much, I would say.
Shall we do it now? You do yours.
Whoa, Caroline, hi.
My darling one.
Wow. It's really wild to see you.
We did not know, uh, if you were alive.
Ooh, wow.
Life's so wild, isn't it?
Isn't it?
I mean, you know, who knew all you needed was the right cocktail of pills,
and then you could really stabilize.
I mean, for now. Who knows for sure?
And you, my beauty, how are you experiencing life?
Laird tells me that you are with child.
I am, yes. I'm carrying a child.
And it looks like I'm gonna be moving out of the city, so...
Good. Good. I'm fairly certain that my leaving the city is what cured me.
- Really? - Oh, yes.
And a very short but powerful stay in the hospital.
Yeah.
So, yes. Yes.
Yes, Hannah, go. Go.
I release you like a bird, like a wild bird into the night.
I release you like a bird!
Go! Go!
You know, I forgot something that I was gonna get at the corner store.
Bye, Sample.
Oh. Well, I didn't mean right now, but, yes.
Marn, call me back, okay? I have an actual problem about actual life.
Please.
...rice.
I know it's so traditional to throw rice, but I just don't think I want them throwing it,
because then the pigeons eat it, and I hear they die.
I don't want that on my conscience, you know?
Hey. Hi.
Hannah.
Hi, um...
I'm so sorry, will you guys just excuse me for just one second?
Um, hi.
I don't mean to be rude, but what are you doing here?
Uh, well, I stopped by to see you,
but it seems like maybe I picked a bad time.
Uh, yeah, actually, you kind of did.
You had a party, and you didn't invite me? I mean, this place is, like, at capacity.
Yeah, I did,
which would be strange, except you're having a baby
and you neglected to tell me after you literally told everyone else on the face of the earth.
So, um, I guess that just kind of says who we are to each other.
Will you actually excuse me?
It's just kind of impolite to leave your guests hanging at your own engagement party.
You're engaged? This is an engagement party for you?
Yeah, so, you know, I'm still at my mom's condo.
Like, a totally temp situation,
and all my stuff is in these cute little things at Manhattan Mini Storage.
What the fuck is going on?
Why didn't you answer any of my calls all day?
Could you, uh, just... We'll be back.
Or we won't.
I didn't want you to feel left out.
Good job. Yeah, it worked super great. What the fuck is this party?
Shosh is engaged.
I can see that. I didn't even know she was dating anyone.
It's actually very cute.
She and Byron met at a Sprinkles vending machine for cupcakes.
I don't even know if she has a new number or something.
- Hello! - Hello, everyone.
- Hi! - Pardon us.
We just wanted to take a moment to thank our most important people
for gathering in our newly shared dwelling for this very important soirée.
We are so happy to have everyone we love most in one place
to celebrate the fact that I asked...
And I said yes!
And I know that we moved fast, and that doesn't always work out...
- No, it doesn't. - Jesus.
- You're here, too? - Yeah, Shosh and I are bros.
...and I truly cannot wait to be Mrs. Byron Long.
Aw!
- I love you. - I love you.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
Cheers, guys! Enjoy.
This is insane.
Hannah, hi.
Um, since you're here, this is Byron.
- Hi. - Pleasure, Byron.
So, um, basically, you're gonna act as if you invited me?
Uh, yeah, I think I'm gonna pretend like I invited you to my engagement party,
and you wore overalls, which is a pretty typical move.
- There you go. - Slim, I'm gonna go out and grab some ice.
- All right. I love you, Sticks. - Love you.
I mean, what am I gonna do, like, start a fight and ruin this for Byron and for me?
I don't think so.
- Hey! - Not you, and not now.
- Not in the mood. - Okay, you know what?
I can't handle this right now.
So, my fiancé has gone to get ice
and I'm going to enjoy my engagement party, okay?
No. Group meeting. Outside. Now.
- Gross. - No.
Okay, group meeting in the bathroom. Let's do that.
Marnie, I want you to know that the only reason that I am tolerating
this insanely rude and inconsiderate behavior
is the fact that every wise woman knows
that the worse the engagement party, the better the wedding, okay?
Can you tell me what this is, what we're doing here?
I don't understand.
We're having a group meeting.
I don't want to have a group meeting.
This seems inappropriate.
Well, that's probably about the only thing we can all agree on right now.
We are not going to throw randomized grenades of hostility at each other.
Okay? We're gonna be the adult women that I know we can be,
and say what we're feeling.
If I've learned anything from my online therapist...
Okay, great. I'll start.
I'm feeling extremely shitty about not being invited to Shosh's engagement party.
I'm feeling like I would like to go one place
without being treated like I'm a jezebel or a witch.
- Particularly by Hannah. - Good luck with that.
I am feeling a lot of anxiety about the fact that we've allowed our friendship
to reach this place of aggression and isolation.
And I am proposing that...
Yes, Shosh, and thank you so much for the hand raise.
If you don't mind,
I would like to take a step back,
and say that this is the reason that we can't hang out together anymore.
No, no, no. See, I am trying to fix this
so that we can hang out as the friends that we've always been,
and we can be again if we just...
Mmm-mmm. Nope. No, that's not it.
We can't hang out together anymore
because we cannot be in the same room
without one of us making it completely and entirely about ourselves.
In this instance, in particular, it happens to be Hannah,
who has decided to crash my engagement party
by showing up dressed like a member of the Teen Mom cast.
Well, that's not an insult to me
because it means I look like I got railed by a football star.
Wasn't intended to be a compliment.
With the help of Byron, who has completed all 12 steps of Al Anon,
I have come to realize how exhausting and narcissistic
and ultimately boring this whole dynamic is.
And I finally feel brave enough to create some distance for myself.
If you guys happen to know all of those really pretty girls out there
who have, like, jobs and purses and nice personalities,
those are now my friends, not you guys.
I think we should all just agree to call it. Okay? Great.
If you guys wanna stay, Byron allotted for extra guests
because that's just the kind of guy that Byron is.
That's who I'm with now. My fiancé. Okay?
Well, Shosh will definitely get her wish.
All of you will, because I got an important job upstate
and I am moving there with my child,
and none of you will probably ever see me again.
Wait, what?
On the way over here, I saw a man take a shit in the street.
And in that moment, as if it were like a near-death experience,
I flashed upon every piece of shit I have ever seen on the streets of New York
that I assumed was from a dog.
And guess what?
That shit's not from a dog. At least not all of it.
'Cause this is a city where people take shits on the street!
You are moving upstate,
and you didn't even care to tell me one-on-one?
I called you a million times, but you were too busy ignoring me
since you were going to a party I wasn't invited to.
I got it!
I got the part in White Men Can't Jump,
the fucking musical spectacular, you feckless whores!
Hannah, I will see you at home tomorrow
roughly around noon, when I'm done partying this out.
Eat a dick!
Shosh was right.
She was right about everything.
Can you stop being so dramatic? I mean, have a little perspective.
She's planning a wedding. It makes people very hostile and aggressive.
- You should know. - Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out. I need the room.
Great, 'cause this place smells like pussy cream, and I wish I was dead.
Eight million people in this city...
...and she thinks all the shit's supposed to be from dogs?
I mean, of course people shit in the street.
- You've shit in the street, right? - No.
Oh, you're telling me every shit you've ever taken has been on a toilet?
Yes.
Oh, God.
You know, you're impossible.
You know, I was barely invited myself. I was, um...
I just spoke to Shosh this morning
because I needed her to tell me my ATM code, so...
It's okay. I'm fine. You don't have to say that. I'm really fine.
Are you?
Yeah. I mean, this job I got, it's, like, a very big deal for me.
- It's really good, so. - Yeah.
How's school?
Uh...
Yeah, I quit.
- Um... - Yeah.
How come?
Um, well, I think it turns out
that I wasn't as ready to help people as I thought.
Um, and I just needed to take a long, hard look in the mirror
as my mother would say.
What'd you see?
A fucking bitch.
Oh. Um...
I got you something, actually. I assumed you'd be here, so...
You know...
It's, um, for a child.
- Yeah. - It's a dress.
The baby's actually a boy.
Is it really?
I don't know how the fuck that happened. I haven't really processed it.
You're actually kind of, like, the first person I'm telling.
I mean, what am I supposed to do with a boy?
I don't know.
What if I raise him perfectly and do everything right,
and then he, like, rapes a bajillion people and, like, runs a lawnmower over a town?
No. He'll be perfect.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I'm sorry.
Um...
I am sorry for...
For everything. I don't really...
You don't have to be sorry. It's okay.
I mean, it's like... I mean, it's not okay,
but it's, like, I don't know who's really supposed to be sorry for what,
so at this point, we should kind of just call it a...
Like, say it.
- It's okay. - Mmm-hmm.
It's okay.
I mean, think about it. Like, we were all just doing our best, so...
Our best was awful.
Worst best.
So, what do you think? Should we, like...
Try to get into this cool metropolitan vibe, or...
Yeah, um...
I mean, what else am I doing?
Literally been waiting outside Shoshanna's house since 4:00.
Last night was a bad one
Screaming and fighting for nothing at all
Last night was a hard one
Pinning each other up against the wall
We make each other small
I know we make each other fall
When we toss off what was said
how are we to just forget?
When the night is ringing in our heads
how do we get back to love?
I wanna get you in my spaces
I wanna take you different places
I'm not at all really this romantic
I know you see me as a frantic girl
But I can give you what you want
I know you like the way I held my temper
when I gave you to the world
Gave you to the world
I can be your heart type of girl
'Cause I've been scared of crowded places
Come with me
I'll take you home
'Cause I've been scared of crowded places
Come with me
I'll take you home